Should I stand on my soap box or not?
I started this blog so that it could be a story about my weight loss and so that I could share the recipes that I love along the way. I'm torn right now if it should be more than that though. There are so many ideas and thoughts that swim around in my head every night before I go to bed that it takes me almost an hour to get to sleep. I've decided I'll write this post and if I don't like it I won't post it but maybe it will help me to sleep a little better tonight!
So I'm sitting here trying to decide where to start. What is the most important thing to me? What is the most important to the world? Which topic or idea that I have would people be most interested in? I'm not sure, maybe that’s why I haven't written about it before. Maybe I'm afraid to be laughed at for a being a silly woman that does know what she's talking about. Maybe I'm worried I'll offend someone that is close to me. I'm not sure what it is, but there is definitely a fear of upsetting someone close to me.
My husband... I love him dearly but he's very judgmental of all that I do. From taking care of our child to how I feel about current events. He doesn't agree with me a lot of the time and it takes its toll on our marriage. I think even though we seem to have a better relationship since the baby was born that maybe we've lost touch with each other, that we don't look at each other the same way. Maybe it's just me that feels this way, maybe it's not. He is a man of little expression. He's very hard to read, always has been. I don't think that anybody really knows the true him. I saw him at work once in his role as a manager and I was shocked... taken aback at how official and matter of fact he was. There was no room for joking he was there to do his job and that’s it. I've never seen that part of him. I understand why now people think of him like a pitbull at work. Once he starts something he doesn't stop till it's completed to his satisfactory level. Thankfully that mentality doesn't come home with him! I never know if what I say he agrees with or not. He likes to bring up the other side of the topic and I think that’s good but I don't think he does it for the right reasons. I think he does it to get a rise out of me and that leads to many heated discussions between us and unfortunately me feeling like I should have kept my mouth shut. It makes me resentful sometimes that I can't even discuss ideas with my husband... the person I should be able to share everything with completely and utterly.
So now I'm sitting here again wondering if I was too harsh and that I have made the wonderful man in my life seem awful. Maybe I have, maybe I haven't. Who knows what people will think? I'm not perfect and I'll admit it. I'm stubborn, opinionated, and pretty much any other word along those lines. So do I continue to talk about why I'm worried to express my opinion? Or do I just move on? There are many other people in my life that might be offended by some of my beliefs.
My Father said to my Mother a while back that I had been "jonesified". What he meant by this is that I have taken on the beliefs and ethics of my husbands family. When I first heard this I laughed because it was so preposterous to me that I could barely contain my amusement, I don't think it's true at all. I have thought about this for a few months now and have decided that it is silly and a way of coping with his daughter that does not see eye to eye with him or his ideas. Have I changed a lot since moving out? Absolutely! Are my opinions and beliefs different than they were ten years ago? Hell yes! Are they in line with my "new" family? No, I don't think they are. There are many topics I could go into now such as; religion or lack thereof, environmental causes, human rights, animal rights, and the big one that we are at completely different ends of a football field on, Money. I won't go into the nitty gritty of these topics but it gives you an idea of how many topics we disagree on. Should I take the chance of someone in my family seeing this and being angry at me for posting my opinion? I don't know, maybe that’s why it's taken me so long to post about it.
There have been many things that have changed since I have had my son. I think for the better, I think having him has been the best thing I could have done for myself and for my husband. I'm not the selfish person I was, things that weren’t important to me at all are very significant in my life now and I believe that they have made me a better person. My husband has benefited from having a child as well, I've seen a side of him I didn't know existed. He does things he never would have done before, I'm happy to see that he is very good with our baby. I trust him completely with my life and my sons. Would I have said that a year ago? No, I don't think I would have.
I think that I may have gotten a little off of what the topic for this post is supposed to be on. But like I said I have so many thoughts swimming around in my head and no one to share them with that you will have to be patient with me as I try and write them down in some coherent fashion. Maybe one day I will be able to keep on topic once I've gotten my thoughts from who knows how long written down and in order.
Back to the original question of this post? Should I stand on my soap box and express my opinion to the world? Or is there too much at risk? What is at risk I ask myself as I write this last sentence? My marriage no matter how strained it might be will always be there, we made a commitment and it's till the end, not when we give up. It took him 8 years to get up the guts to want to marry me, we didn't enter into this legal and religious bond without thought. I think my husband respects me enough that no matter how mad I may make him by what I post that he would never leave me. My parents? I've made them mad so many times before that really would another little strained discussion really be that bad? My in-laws? I don't know if I've ever made them mad... they've made me mad. Have I expressed that to them? No. Would I if confronted? Maybe, but I'm very good at avoidance. There are other people to think of too, my sisters, my brother and sister in law, my grandfather, my friends.
Does it matter to me that there may be repercussions for what I post on here? Yes and no, it's my opinion. I try very hard not to ridicule other people for their opinions. Sometimes I succeed and sometimes I don't. Do I think that everybody should be entitled to their opinion? Yes! Will I ask you to defend your point of view? Yes.
So with that I'm still no closer to an answer if I should use this to voice my own personal opinions. I'll guess we'll just have to wait and see if something happens that makes me want to express my opinion to the world wide web. Until then, it will be a blog about my personal struggle with losing the baby weight I gained and the fabulous recipes I find along the way.