So today just for kicks I pulled out the box of clothes under my bed that I can't fit and haven't been able to since about my 5th month of pregnancy. The pants went a little earlier but the shirts about the 5th month. At the time I thought it was just being pregnant that made them to small. Now I realize that I put on too much weight during my pregnancy and that I may never lose it.
Am I admitting defeat by saying that last statement? No, I don't think so. Maybe a little bit though. I've been trying seriously for a little over a month now... and nothing. 2lbs. As I heard someone say once... I can poop two pounds! Have I been perfect every day all day? No. Have I been giving it my all? No. I'm going to make an excuse here and say I have a baby to take care of a house to clean and a dinner to make everyday. Never mind lunch and breakfast for the baby everyday. I'm around food almost all day and let's be honest... once a fat girl always a fat girl. You wave a chocolate bar or something in front of my face and 9 times out of 10 I won't say no.
Some people would say I'm not fat but to me a weight of 145 lbs on my 5'4" height is fat. I'm coming from a comfortable 107 lbs before I got pregnant... and before I was at my most low I was my heaviest at 178 lbs. I joined a weight loss program and managed to lose all my weight and was at about 118 lbs... then I got sick and lost more weight. Never gained any weight back from that and was okay with that. I'm not going to say that I think I looked good at my smallest because I honestly didn't. Nobody wants to have wind socks for boobs or hips bones sticking out when their standing up. But I was comfortable with myself. I'm not right now. I've reverted to hiding myself in baggy shirts and always wearing a fleece. That had gone away when I was thin. I'm still wearing my pregnancy jeans because there the only ones that really fit me and I can't bear the thought of actually admitting this is the size I will be from now on. I get "dressed up" once a week for church and struggle every morning looking at all the clothes I won't wear because they might show my back fat or that my thighs are huge. So I go to the clothes that I think hide me the most. A big cardigan or a sweater and my black maternity pants. Most mornings I just suck it up and move on and every once in a while I get upset and cry for a minute or two in the closet by myself and think what a fat pig I am.
So what am I going to do about this? Well, I've been trying to watch what I eat and have been making point friendly meals for the family. Tonight I'm making eggplant parmesan. Yes it's a low fat and low calorie recipe. I take the baby for a walk most days and try and get a good amount of sleep. So I've started out again today writing down what I eat and hoping that I don't blow it by the end of the day. I guess thats all I really can do. One day at a time they say, we'll see if maybe one day it'll pay off.